Declaration of Independence

Seeing as how my Declaration of Independence was so inspirational and somewhat fantastic, I felt the need to post it. I thought it might provide some lonely souls with a few chuckles, and possibly bring light to the world. Again, please don't judge.

AP Composition, February 11, 2010

THE UNANIMOUS DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE FROM ADVANCED PLACEMENT COMPOSITION AND OTHER ENGLISH COURSES (AND JEFFREY KUNKLE)

When in the course of classroom events, it becomes necessary for one class to dissolve the academic bands which have connected them to Advanced Placement Composition, the inhabitants of said course must declare the causes which led them to desire independence.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all students were not graded equal, that they are not endowed by their professor with certain unalienable rights, are fairness and the pursuit of A’s. That, in order to achieve these rights, the students must impeach said professor and expel themselves from said Advanced Placement course. It is their right and duty to throw off said dictator from power, to improve the lives of those unfortunate souls who shall be faced with said course later. To prove the misdemeanors of said Advanced Placement course, let these facts be submitted to an eager world.

For forcing subjects to engrave countless timed writings into his or her own flesh.

For reciting a myriad of monotonous poems about ludicrous topics such as “gay wallpaper.”

For quartering large numbers of armed teachers among us.

For refusing to fetch the young Gus Kunkle to provide amusement for the pupils.

For bequeathing hours of tedious readings and essays upon the students.

For compelling the students to ponder over the dreadful inscriptions of one Mary Wollstonecraft during the summer hours which were said to belong to the students, not to the professor of the English language.

For ceasing communication and interaction with all other citizens of the world outside of the Advanced Placement Composition courses.

For uttering long, eerie messages on the computer system and requiring the students to listen to said messages in the privacy and safe haven of their own homes.

For refusing to let others speak in the opinions of his nature and the nature in which the Advanced Placement Composition classes are run and administered.

For ensuring that the students never had any free time outside of school; by inflicting upon them the pain of countless hours of repetitive readings, essays, and projects

For causing innocent students to have the desire never to return to a classroom again, even after finally having passed said Advanced Placement course.

For inflicting upon the pupils the torture of completing frequent multiple choice exams, in the hopes that said pupils might pass the Advanced Placement Composition and English exam.

We, therefore, the students of the Advanced Placement Composition class, in GENERAL CLASSROOM assembled, appealing to the supreme Principal of the school for the rectitude of our intentions, DO, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these classes, solemnly PUBLISH and DECLARE, That these united classes are, and of Right, ought to be free and independent pupils; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Advanced Placement Composition course and Professor, and that all political connection between them and the Advanced Placement Composition course, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that, as FREE and INDEPENDENT PUPILS, they have full Power to dismiss homework, demolish essays, omit multiple choice exams, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT PUPILS may of right do. AND for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.



I sincerely hope that this declaration has brought a little light to your cloudy world.